For 38 years, women have sat down in my chair, pulled out their phones, and said, “I want this.” And I actually love when they do. That photo tells me so much about what she wants, even when she doesn’t have the right words to explain it.
What she doesn’t realize is that the haircut in that picture may not work with her hair texture. It may not accentuate her features, and it may not be the best style for her. When I used to teach haircutting, everything came back to one word: suitability. A haircut can look gorgeous on someone else, but if it doesn’t suit you, it just doesn’t work.
So I start by asking, “What is it about this picture that you love?” She’ll point it out. She loves the length. She loves the fullness. Then I ask, “Okay, what don’t you like?” Honestly, that’s usually where I get the most clarity. Then I explain why I don’t think that exact cut is the best option for her, which parts of it might work and which parts won’t, and from there I give her my ideas. Then I hand her a mirror so she can see what I’m talking about while I point it out.
And usually she says, “Oh, I see what you’re saying.”
I love that moment. I explained it to her, she saw it for herself, and then she understood the why behind it.
I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot lately, because I’ve been thinking about my goals, especially with the new year right around the corner. That’s what we do, right? LOL. And when I set goals, I like to create affirmations around them so they really sink in.
A lot of what we’re taught about affirmations comes down, in the simplest way, to taking what you’re afraid of or what you don’t want and flipping it to the positive. “I don’t have enough money” becomes “I am abundant.” The flip is a lot like the photo. It shows what you want, and that’s a great start. But it’s generic, and just like haircuts, one size doesn’t fit all.
We’re also taught to just think positive and things will change. That couldn’t be further from the truth. How many New Year’s resolutions have you made with the best intentions and the most positive attitude, only to forget about them in a week or two? We can’t positive our way out of subconscious beliefs. So much of what we do runs on autopilot, and if you’re saying “I am abundant” while an old belief is still running the show, part of you hears it and goes, “Mm-hmm, sure.” Positive thinking is a real benefit once you’ve done the inner work. It’s just not the way to lead. I learned that the long way, starting back in 2012, when I finally did the deeper inner work on my own patterns.
And here’s what I hear from a lot of women. She’s read the books. She’s done the work, probably more than most. She’s not missing information, but something is still holding her back from a goal or an outcome she really wants, and she can’t quite put her finger on why. She knows it’s there. She doesn’t have the words for it
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That’s where things started to make sense for me. I’m in the process of considering retirement and starting a new business, and as I was working on my own affirmations around it, I started using a tool that maps the patterns you were born with. One of mine is self-doubt (more on that another time). What helps me work through it is self-inquiry, asking myself better questions. So instead of spinning on “Do I have anything worth sharing that can help other women?” I can ask, “What’s one thing I know that I can share to help someone?” That question gets me focused on just one thing, and that’s what moves me away from confusion towards clarity.
Having the language for a pattern I’ve consistently felt gave me something to work with. It helped me stop spiraling and get to the core of why I was stuck, so I could move through these challenges more efficiently and rewrite what wasn’t working.
So instead of the flip being something like “I trust myself completely,” my affirmation is, “I am asking myself better questions so that I can get clarity around my goal.” It’s personalized to me, and it resonates. It was my own “Oh, I see what you’re saying” moment.
I’m working on something around this, and I’ll share more soon. In the meantime, I’m curious: what’s an affirmation you’ve said a hundred times that never felt like yours? Tell me in the comments.
Peace, love and good hair days,
Chris